Apparently I look legit enough, cause the 3 bums next to me just got kicked awake by cops, and I was allowed to stay sitting here. That's a plus, right?
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
he's like a stage 5 clinger and he won't even fuck me. he has to be gay. my personality isn't really THAT great.
Jenny was looking for something soft to drink since it's only noon, she chose spiced rum. Think she might die today
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
She insisted we fuck to Ludacris, not how I imagined popping her lesbian cherry would be. I tried delt and I liked it.
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
But the drunk streaking fizzled when one of jake's friends took a piss while running with a massive erection.
Most girls get hit on with a $7.00 drink. You get hit on with a $750K plane.
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
Just fantasized about my boss's fingers in a meeting. I desperately need to get some.
Does it get any better than dating a guy with a vasectomy? The answer is NO. No it does not
OK... But I need to shower first because I'm covered in stuff I definitely shouldn't have slept in
You were laying on the floor coloring a "get well soon' card for your liver...
Randomize
