my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
just broke no shave november. hello backed up drain december.
I love girls that fake tan. Can you say p p p p p p p p pumpkin face
It's like salsa. But with balls in it. I like to call it balsa
btw theres a pine tree in the downstairs shower. the guys thought it would be a great free air freshener.
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
No I just rolled on the floor giggling. I think that's the equivalent to a post sex victory dance.
Hey, don't think you remember me but we met last night. I'm conducting a survey this morning its only one question: Have you seen Rob since 1am?
Closed my eyes in the shower and got really dizzy. Not sure if neurological or result of 4 day vodka binge. Send help.
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
I need a moral compass that doesn't always point to dick
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
I just wanted a bootycall and now somehow I'm at his parents playing dominoes. But they have tequila so it's cool
Your Vodka Saturday privileges have been reduced to Beer until you go a full month without losing an article of clothing.
We broke up. My life is now 7 inches less.
Randomize
