My family just had an in depth argument about the meaning of chodes
YOu come back ASAP and we will do whatever you want baby
He had a number 3 tattooed on his penis. And when I asked what it meant, he said " you know like dale earnhardt, the intimidator".
I give you the lube, you make me the mac and cheese, that's a pretty fair deal I think.
As a matter of principle, I waited until noon to start the drinking binge.
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
Woke up with a text saying "when I get to see them titties again lil ma??" With 8 beads around my neck & an empty bottle of vodka in my arms.
Just walked in on him banging another girl. He told me " sorry but I'm gonna finish now that I'm caught" ...... I think this is the reason god gave me four older brothers....
Also, thank you for letting me cry in your lap on the bathroom floor. I can't remember if I was clothed at that point, but if I wasn't, extra thank you.
Day 10 and still no sign of rescue in my pants.
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
I laid naked in his bed as he brought me an ice cream sandwich so I would say everything worked out great
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