my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
Can you really blame Steve Phillips? He went to Michigan. Plowing fat girls is a 100-level course there.
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
My neighbor asked me to tell you to stop changing in front of their house. Do I even want to know?
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
I'll just be here. Naked. Eating tots and jello like a muh fuggin G
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
There is is 40 year old penis staring me in the face right now if there was ever a time to be a good friend its right now.
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
Well his ex just grabbed his dick and told him yep Ill call u later
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
I went down on her on the dining room table. That should count for something.
So I couldn't find Leif..... He fell asleep in our closet upstairs trying to get changed into warmer clothes
Road head absolutely translates. That's the beauty of road head... It's so portable!
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