i might even pee on it at walmart i am so nervous
So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
As the night goes on these shots are getting so much easier. My liver jst needed a warmup lap.
My drug dealer is making me hot tea during the snowstorm...I'm a fan.
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
cops tried arresting me on the way to class this morning.. this is my life.
We are so on opposite sides of the boobs spectrum
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
He just ate a tooth whitening strip...
Ive realized that in order for me to understand math, my professor has to be hot.
Just fell down the stairs..might wanna call the ambulance jus take the weed out of my pocket be4 they come..
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
and i walked downstairs to find my brother using nunchucks, and making the appropriate noises. i simply asked "why"; his reply? "why the fuck do you think?". i love my family.
Randomize
