Drawing on your hand and calling it yenifer lopez doesn't count!
It was like my butthole was peeing. Felt comforting yet not fulfilling.
so i havent checked yet but im almost positive that my left ass cheek is bruised. any idea what happened last night.
what the fuck man? i was JUST texting you the same thing. FUCK
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
Don't take this the wrong way but I just mistook a trash can for you
How do you set tits on fire ? I swear her tits were on fire.
Ugh. my cast still smells like fermenting hot tub water and bad decisions.
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
I went over to help her build a porch, but we decided that was too much work, so we just got high and watched Scooby Doo
Pagan metal show. There is a folk dance happening in the mosh pit. Also, I have no idea where we are.
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
MY LIFE IS HARD OK. I HAVE TO WAKE UP AT LIKE 10 OR 11 AFTER SMOKIG POT AND PLAYING FALLOUT UNTIL 3
Randomize
