Someone told me they could tell we were from cincinnati because we say "as fuck" after adjectives
If last night was a website it would be called poordecisions.com OR uncircumcisedspanishweiner.org
don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
It was a great idea until we got stuck in a ditch. We had to call redneck cousin 1
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
WTF? Why is there a pic of my tits in ur dad's office?
Took pain meds with RumChata this morning. It's like morning milk but better
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
I know... It's stupid... It's like, I have sex with his brother and bestfriend ONE time....
I think I am just gonna marry that lesbian. She is more of a respectful gentleman than any of the guys I've slept with.
Waking up naked and dehydrated has become a regular occupancy for me.
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
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