i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
is asking a girl out on a date while in another girls bed in poor taste?
hahahahaha your sister just walked down from the guest house with a stain on the front of her shirt and "owned" written in blue sharpie on her forehead. i dont think she knows what happened last night either.
I just delivered a ham and cheese to a strip club. you were right this job is not that bad
He gave them shots of purell and called it "acid rain" jello shots. They took them.
I hate freshman.
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
YOU COME FROM SAD WHALE FAMILY, DEEP IN OCEAN!
By early evening I was shouting at the deeply Christian girl to suck my dick inbetween snorting lines of gatorade powder.
This bar smells like your ball sack. In a weird way I miss you.
I'm excited for him and his new girlfriend. I'm just going to miss his penis is what I'm saying.
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
Randomize
