i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
Just saw the liqour store owner get into a mercedes, almost proud to be responsible for that
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
Think worst case scenario and then dress sluttier
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
Nice just gets you lonely or dead. I don't like those options.
What shitty, shitty thing could you possibly tell me that doesnt top the fact that i got hammered and showed everyone i could shit while running
I've decided that buying my first unused mattress has been my first major step into real adulthood.
His acid is intense dude. I was just over at his place laughing about the hole in the wall I was convinced was a cat
There is blood all over my sheets and no discernible source.
No idea who's grandma but people were just running around naked
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
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