I found the seven page love letter I had written you. I'm sorry i was so obsessed.
Can I use cash for clunkers to trade in her boobs for a new set of 18 year old tits?
Its worth a shot.
You look at her and you just know the only action she's gotten is from her tampon..
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
Dude, they are shaking the RV, yell at them. It feels like i'm being rocked to sleep, I don't like it, I'm not a baby.
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
You have to figure out where to put this turtle dude
Note to self: if you decide to go to the gym when you're coming down from your day high to shoot some hoops, do NOT play pickup basketball with the big black dudes who need a sixth
Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.
Please don't explain what tea bagging is to my mother.
He made her leave because she liked Top-Ramen better than Maruchaun. He's my hero.
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
I've realized that drinking at your apartment alone on a Tuesday probably isn't a good thing.
Randomize
