I'm at the psychiatrist, and this lady is crazy.. she keeps yelling about how her HMO insurance gave her breast cancer? Adderall isn't worth this.
I just did something awful... i just had to tell someone... i just used my brothers electric face cleaner as a vibrator
If I die and they 'assume' it's natural causes, just go with it.
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
Oh you don't have to buy a shower curtain, I stole the one from her bathroom. It has dolphins on it.
I'm drinking Leinenkugel through a Red Vine. I'm not drunk. I'm just happy with my life so far.
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
I'm at a gyno in Japan. Safe to say every possible rule of etiquette is about to be broken. Buckle up, motherfuckers.
Well the term Party is used loosely in this situation. Since it will just be mom wine drunk and us eating chips with multiple dips.
After that time I came to the conclusion that jeeps are the best cars to have sex in
lol show me an arrest record and I'll drop my panties
I just found two ugly toothless rednecks fucking in the woods in my backyard. The man shouted at me close the door your letting the stank out which made no sense to me cuz we where outside. Whatever. just another Monday in the Northwoods.
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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