matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
it doesn't mae me god, the fact that I am god makes getting dressed futile and tedious... btw i am still drunk
is it weird that i feel like i won the break up because my status change got two comments and his got zero?
Apparently I climbed into a dryer last night and refused to leave... There are pictures to prove it
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
It feels wrong to have dick mouth at a family dinner.
Every single time I start thinking that we shouldn't have done that to him, I think of his ballsack in our passed out faces. No sympathy.
You know, it doesn't really count as a walk of shame if you guys showered together the next morning
Some guy just stopped me in the bar and asked if I had a shot named after me at another bar called God damn my VaJana hurts? He already knew my name was Jana so I couldn't deny it!
We enjoyed our moment of partial gayness together
It was like being fucked by the god of thunder, he gained power from the storm. I took a Plan B because I don't think regular birth control will stop Thor's sperm.
I saw it and almost just was like "Ice breaker: your penis is massive" but I didn't.
DELETE THAT VIDEO OF ME MAKING OUT WITH THAT RUG NOW
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
I love you.
Bad choice
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