capt morgan doesn't hurt if you honestly believe it's golden flavored kool-aid.
I would have to gauge my vagina to make it fit.
remember that guy i blew in a bathroom in barcelona, i just blew him again in rome. lightning does strike twice.
Trying to figure out which chair my head was under last night
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
At least I can pee in a cup like a champ at this point
antibiotics and champagne: breakfast of champions
after giving head I just always feel like I need like. ice cream. as both a means of getting the lingering sperm out of my mouth, and a congratulations.
Eight drinks in. Subject is fondling chips before eating them. Intoxicated texting has expanded from best friend to random guy I met in FBLA.
Your fuck buddy is making you watch the OC. I think that counts as strings attached.
We got drunk and crashed a fifty year old woman's birthday party for the food. Whoops.
I'm not even the least bit surprised that I whored myself out for tiramisu
I always can't wait to see you but when there's also an opportunity to get naked it elevates to an entirely different level
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
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