I think I left something in your back seat.... It was my integrity
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
I am full of burrito and curiosity
he said he would handcuff me to his penis. thats not even possible. i want to go home.
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
Is it bad of me to apply as a night shift counselor at a boys orphanage purely because of how laid that would get me at bars?
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
I can never go back to Jacksonville. We think I may have punched a child in the face while on acid...
I keep looking at his nude pics and crying because ill never see it in person again.
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
and here comes the time of my day when I haw to convince a guy to drive my cape and my handle to my dorm.
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
Be quiet or buzz aldrin will come beat you up with science
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Randomize