How is Miami?
Omk. I'm shitggaved om loincoln
Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
ugh the "ive seen you naked on the internet" look is really getting tiring
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
when I sang my humps to you I meant it.
So, your gf couldn't walk up the stairs without your help, but she could knit you a scarf?
I think the fact that the scarf was made out of dental floss should be taken into account.
this is what happens when you pick a roommate a year in advance.. she ends up hating you for hooking up with for of her extended family members
But he's not just anonymous male genitalia anymore. I've met him, I've seen his face.
Just woke up in my fuck buddies bed with, from the looks of her ass and side boob, a girl that is not my fuck buddy. This should be interesting
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
starting to feel like a fuck wizard with a magical sixth sense for people fucking.
Cats are difficult to handle. Also they are impossible to baptize.
I'm mainly pissed because I shaved fucking EVERYTHING for this. WITH SHAVING CREAM. Men do not appreciate how rarely that happens.
I'll give you one guess. It has a cock and I want it
Randomize
