I totally thought the tree was playing the guitar
I either just heard my neighbors having sex or she really agreed with whatever he was talking about.
Yay Minnesota! I can't believe there's now a US Senator who has taken more acid than we have
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
I don't always steal things but when i do it is a six foot five dos equis guy
You broke the end off a wine bottle, ran outside and screamed "FOR NARNIA!!"
What if everything solid was made of oreos and everything liquid was wine
I just got chills
I'm gonna eat more dunkaroos to cope with what's in my vagina.
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
Fireball goes down like mother's milk. Btw your housemate is naked
Randomize
