does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
I just got called an ass for saying no thanks to a Greenpeace solicitor. I don't want the whales to die but I do want Greenpeace to fail. Conundrum.
Theyre still fighting about whether its called america or the united states.
hot pretzels for dinner, snacks, and now breakfast...oh to be a poor college student...everyday is like a carnival.
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
Would you get mad if I held a "how many dick pics can you get in one night" competition with my friend?
So topless strobe light beer pong turned into me rugby tackling a bitch to the ground.my tits will never forgive me for sacrificing their majesticness for responsibility
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
He started humming whilst eating me out. At first it was weird, but my new motto is now don't knock it before you've cum from it
Good. Need a drinking partner later. FOR AMERICA!!!
But lunch with my dad really just means an hour and a half of him telling me how he's disappointed and how he knows I'm on drugs
and yet oddly the jello shots tasted better coming up than going down
I looked so sad that Jessica gave me a bar of soap. So that's where I'm at.
Should I go bust a nut on the beach
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
Randomize
