Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
Picking up third year law school girls is like MILF hunting for beginners
They threw a beer at you on stage and then you stopped the karaoke and cussed everyone in the bar out for 2 minutes
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
I find it worrying that she bit me in bed. Then proceeded to write her name in bite marks. All without ever losing the rhythm of our fucking.
Justin just used the term "industrial strength colon blow".
Do you think casino weekend will remind us once again that we in fact are not mature enough to be this old?
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
Can you please stop having such an active social life? I'm tryna get fucked over here
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
wtf guys I thought we agreed on no more knives. So much for not destroying the house
Got kicked out of the club and woke up at a frat house. Good night? Couldn't tell you. I got a date out of it I'm glad someone thinks my drinking problem is cute.
woke up hungover this morning lying in a water raft covered in water.. i dont know if i should consider this good or bad
I WANNA... wait, will you kinkshame me?
Nah.
I WANNA KNOW WHAT HE SMELLS LIKE
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
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