Soap is not a condiment
this kid down the hall keeps banging on his drums...i feel like i'm living in jumanji
Picking up third year law school girls is like MILF hunting for beginners
i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
He just refered to Steak and Shake as "a good place for couples". I will definitely not be shacking tonight.
I'm ashamed of you 12 hours later and 200 miles away
so why was i the only one who woke up with ham stuck to my ass?
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
I'm not entirely sure what happened last night, but I think I dislocated my kneecap during an epic Mario Kart battle...
The extent of "getting it in" was this creepy guy sticking his finger in my bellybutton
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
He started me on Celexa. I think I feel like Bjork. Is that normal?
Like... my feet feel like little octopuses, and they want to swim to the next room.
IDK if she's gay or not, but there is something about the way she looks at me that says "do dirty dirty things to me." I have no choice but to oblige.
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
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