If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
Like that girl needs to get her shit together. For her vagina's sake.
Made it home ok. Only got hit by one car.
she got the salsa and pickles out of the fridge looked at me and said what can i make with this
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
I was really hoping my 420 would involve a lot more weed and a lot less buttholes
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
Yeah, great now I will be tampon girl
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
Nobody cheats on THIS.
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
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