I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
We need to find a way to make penises more like hookahs.
It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
high in an attic. pig roast in 10.
I was informed last night that im not allowed to pick up the bouncers and carry them around anymore. Last sat is starting to make more sense
My name in their phones is "That Girl". If i can't get it to go away, I might as well live up to it.
I had a great time except for the part where you called another guy, told him you were in a cab - not on a date - and that you'd meet him at a bar in 15 minutes. but besides that it was awesome. Next time capping you at two glasses of wine
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
Im having a st. Get way fucked till i speak Irish pre game party. Bring a compass cause we are about to get lost
i made this one couple from ohio so uncomfortable that they left....and that was WHEN I HAD PANTS ON
I last recall trying to play piano and asking justin for drugs. I would like to think I then gracefully laid down on the couch and shut my eyes like a sleeping kitten.
So you're mad that I let you go home with the guy with soft hands but yet you can't understand that I was just trying to help you
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
We were driving past a farm when he screamed at me to stop the car, then he jumped out and tried to ride a cow.
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
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