my vagina is like the nba. its where amazing happens.
Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
Random 1st period thought: do you think she could put "had a threesome" on her resume?
I just made a milkshake without a blender... thats determination
It is 8 o'clock in the morning and there is already blood all over one of the stalls in the bathroom. What has your St. Patrick's day done for you?
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
You were trying to swim on the floor while eating a hot-dog bun and laughing about how much you hate bread and didn't understand why you were eating it..
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
I think I may have some undocumented and undiscovered std that causes girls to go bat shit crazy. How you got it is beyond me
I don't want anything calamari shaped after last night. But I appreciate the Cheerios offer.
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
So I have a horrible yeast infection right now and I learned that Scott is cheating on me and now he has a yeast infection in his mouth and in his stomach a pretty aggressive one too. I believe the doctors call it thrush. Text me in the morning tell me what you think.
So... he's my second cousin's step-bro... To do or not to do?
Randomize
