I have demons in me.
there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
My financial aid advisors would be so pissed if they knew I was spending my loan money on strippers
Its the little things i like about bein home like having actual toilet paper instead of subway napkins
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
Yeah that's one way to look at it on the other hand MY FUCKING BED CAUGHT ON FUCKING FIRE
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
I got stoned in my snow covered car and pretended I was burried alive
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
Someone came in the potted fern
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
Well I typed "penicillin a" into the search engine and before I could finish "penicillin and drinking" popped up. Google knows me too well.
He nicknamed his dick "the fountain of youth" I think it's time to move on...
It's nice doing the walk of shame at 530 am, the birds are chirping, campus is empty, and it's dark so noone can see who the Fuck you are
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
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