I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
I just realized that I'm gonna have to lower my standards if I want random head.
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
Why is the word 'best' written on my chest?!!
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
if you didn' use the plastic sword on the cop. maybe this wouldn't have happened.
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
You don't have to have sex with both if us but I would like a little positive fucking regard.
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
yeah I woke up in jail with two different shoes on and neither of them were mine
It's like the cookie assaulted me with being high.
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
I'm classy like audry Hepburn. Chugging wine out of the bottle on the way to the club. Shed do that. I know she would.
Randomize
