I just took a girl with a hip brace and crutches on a date. she obviously can't bone. is it rude to demand a blowjob?
we ended up doing shots out of those medicine cups..swine flu finally did something good for me
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
We totally just fucked in a closet. These vacations with his family are causing creativity I never thought I had.
My TA just came over to give us drugs. Now he's drinking grey goose with my roommate and explaining his thesis to her. This is too much.
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
I just shook glitter of my birth control packet so I’d say it’s safe to say it was a good weekend
At 10 PM you were shit faced in the kitchen makin nachos... Naked. I wasn't sure what to do besides walk away...
Moms passed out wet and naked in a rocking chair again....
Randomize
