I asked my mom, she said yes...but you have to shower with grandpa.
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
Listening to her yell about my drinking problem is not helping my hangover.
Here's the thing. I'm really high and have lots of questions about lightning.
I could seriously attempt to try and saw my head in half with a butter knife cause im pretty sure it could not hurt any more than it already does
best. trip. ever. this is going to be too much fun. petland isnt going to know what hit them.
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
High Amy loves you. Sober Amy is unsure, but she's not here so fuck that bitch.
So I have a scar from when the stripper tore off my underwear .... Best birthday ever
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
this case of pbr just wont end. i keep finding more.
Watching Faye Reagan porn all weekend for St Patty's day. Nothing has ever seemed more appropriate.
I come home to my brother mixing skittles and vodka. We're all proud of him.
Randomize
