I did that thing where I cum for no reason again.
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
Medicore although I woke up with the business card of a Turkish lawyer called Mufasa...
No fucking idea. Just paid for my chipotle in chocolate coins, though. Either there is a huge language barrier happening here, or my big boobs are finally paying off.
I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
I just want to know what horrible accidents of evolution allowed that tiny penis to exist
This should be a warning to men everywhere: do not send pictures of your erect penis to women you hardly know - they will add cats and send them to all of their friends.
I respect your roll as DD and there're am required to respect your vehicle
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
I didn't know I was invited to an orgy.
So last night, I bought mother's day cards and the Plan B pill.
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
its like i just tried to scrub the hangover off of me.
Randomize
