I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
you definitely held a convo with a hobo
we have a secret handshake
I told him I was prego. He asked coul we do it without a condom now since I cldn't get any pregnanter. What an a-hole.
I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
it's not cheating when I paid for it
Come on, video tape it. Take one for the team
You know there's only so much I can do with a great personality.
All I'm saying is that whoever owned the wheelchair clearly didn't need it or they wouldn't have been able to leave it there
critical mistake not lubing the nipples
I HAVE MY OWN TITS FOR THAT AND I CAN GUARANTEE THAT THEYRE MORE GLORIOUS
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
Then you bent down and whispered, "excuse me mr. Stair, could you please stop moving?"
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
Randomize
