There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
Yea. You cant just squeeze my balls. They are sensitive
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
Just described your amazing cock to a complete stranger. I am officially the worst wingman (chick) ever.
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
Nope, can't do it. It's a snowball effect. Today, leggings as pants. Tomorrow, female hitler. Natural progression.
Yeah. Well last night I sold my shoes to a man who I'm pretty sure has a weird foot fetish for $150 cash.
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
We went from him going down on me to swapping baby pictures of our moms.
He texted me at 4:30 in the morning saying "I'm not drunk but I think you're beautiful" and then a facebook message at 6 am saying "hi" and the subject was "oh"
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
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