So we've decided on 'hamburger' as your code for tonight. If you add ketchup or fries, we know the threat level has escalated.
At a bar where three women in denim shorts are debating techniques and skillsets for wrangling goats. You stay classy Delaware.
take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
Its name is Richard. And I think he formally introduced us.
hes trying to draw the periodic table on his chest with a sharpie. i'm not sure how thats going to help him on his chem final, but he keeps shouting "this is how the pros do it"
I sang Jenna happy bday in the middle of throw up hurls
Omg 230 lb butch lesbian with a mustache grabbed my dick. I need an adult
He's like the unplanned child of drunkenness
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
I threw up off of your balcony and it must have been loud because the dog downstairs went insane.
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
At dinner her sister yelled "he fucked me AND mom!! Up your standards hoe!!" Safe to say I ruined that family
There's just something so liberating about drinking a beer with no pants on
That was just an endearing nickname I called you before. I'm not gonna call you a filthy slut now that you are one, I don't want to hurt your feelings.
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
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