we need a dd. For wednesday. At lunch. What are we doing with our lives?
succeeding
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
Some guy dressed like Santa just handed me a bottle of tequila. I NEVER WANT TO LEAVE CANCUN
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
Can I send you a picture of my penis? I feel like it looks really good right now and I need someone to share it with
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
I am so sorry for drunk texting you r kelly lyrics
How the fuck can he download so much porn but not know how to find the Skype app?
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
The first thing I did when I got to the apartment was masturbate on the couch
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
So, I actually said the words "but face tattoos are sexy"
Science requires me to take a picture of your nipples.
Randomize
