no you're not listening to me HE WANTED TO BRAID MY HAIR
I'm on the bus going to class. And a cop just rolled by and I got nervous because I didn't have my seatbelt on. I have to stop smoking so much weed.
on the brightside, the semester can only get better from getting a dui at 8 am on the first day.
your optimism is becoming unhealthy
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
Hey, remember when Hot Stuff played in the back of the ambulance? Or no, cause of your concussion...
I was scared that I should know him but I was too busy blacking out to remember
alright. I just need to set some ground rules, no lighting me on fire, and no broken bones. fair?
IM WEARING A FLAG
So that's a no to the clothes then
FLAG
I bought left over pizza from a guy on Craigslist.
I had the bathroom of girls sing you happy birthday while you puked. I couldn't stop laughing. They were all so supportive
Kinda hard to look your partner in the face the day after a rousing game of How Many Ways Can I Capture Your Penis.
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
Randomize
