The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
Have you not heard of Jennifer's supreme lust for William Shatner? She wants to eat Taco Bell off of his love handles
I put the beer in my little red riding hood basket.
I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic
I'm in the library if you wanna come give me library head.
guy at the corner shop gets out a bottle of tequilla and a pack of malboro light whenever he sees me through the door. makes me feel loved and cared for
She had to leave early so she could get ready for her high school's homecoming. I hope her date likes sloppy seconds.
her roommates boyfriend drunkenly walked in on us banging and said yeeeeaaaaaahhhh and tried to high five me
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
I was getting sick from all the peanut butter I had to lick off
Stop bitching. YOU SHOULD FEEL BLESSED TO HAVE LICKED PEANUT BUTTER OFF OF THESE TOTTERS
When someone comes out of your vagina and stomps on your dreams, you'll understand.
I would come over if there was not the impending fear of me shitting out my brains.
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
Which one of you fucks put a bounty out on my brother's virginity?
Randomize
