Liz and I are now offficially highest. OH, and your girlfriend may be a vampire. Heads up. SPARKLESSSSS
Put my glitter back.
Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
so i told him i still liked him. he laughed
well, your crazy. what did you expect?
And then she proceeded to fling her bra around while screaming the rocket power theme song, still managing to not fall off the skateboard
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
It was cool in an 'oh shit I'm gonna get arrested' way.
I'm smoking a bowl and pondering why we haven't discovered teleportation again.
He put my hand on his penis and said welcome home.
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
OMG -- There are strippers in the bathroom crying because their power moves aren't good enough to win the competition
is buying liquor on my lunch break too aggressive?
so I think we need to change lawn care services...the guy woke me up by the pool while I was naked...told me he already picked up all the beer cans for us and gave me his number for the next time we party...
Randomize
