I just saw a guy masturbating vigorously at the bus stop across from del taco at 2:30am...im pretty sure he wasn't even homeless
I would have been "that girl" at the party last night if it wasn't for that girl who puked in the potted plant...
I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
Apparently faking a threesome isn't as much fun as you'd think
drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
So many lesbians keep hitting on me. I'm about to give up and just go home with the manliest one.
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
No just a slight sexual miscommunication which led to a little (lot) vomiting by one party and a bruised sternum on the other party involved.
I can't even make a guess how that goes.
He sat down, pointed at my Converse and said "I have the same shoes." I thought "I'm going to have sex with you by the end of the night."
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
I THINK it was the lead singer. Whoever he was, I have his number and his dick was pierced.
It was totally the lead singer.
Exactly best part of my night he took of his shirt and surprise traveler fanny pack
Quick I need a sexy way to say "suck your balls"
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
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