My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
After we did it I noticed she was wearing the same underwear as last night.
That's why you don't sleep with the same girl two nights in a row man!
i lose more brain cells when ever she opens her mouth then i would doing meth for 8 years of my life.
Would it help you get over me if I told you that I had unprotected sex last night?
thats what you get for writing a paper after liquor pitchers
its only a rough draft.
Thats the worst face I've ever seen you make an I've seen you throw up in your own hair.
just cheers'ed a flock of cattle as i drove past eating a burger i bought 7 hours ago. that high.
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
Cover your phone. Photos of streaking frat guys incoming.
We were banging then all I remember is coming down hard and smashing my top teeth off his forehead. I just rolled off and tapped out. Done-zo
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
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