At my boss' house at a bbq. Had a few beers. Taking a poop - there's no TP...this is my nightmare.
He smothers me through text. I can't even image what he'd be like in person.
he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
Just topless shotgunned a bud light alone. I am about to peer mentor the shit out of these freshmen.
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
NOLA update. Went to Corey Smith at the house of blues last night. Drank PBR and took lots of shots of Jack. Too drunk, cabbed it to the hotel and fell asleep while having sex. Not my finest moment. Now I'm in court. I can't wait to be your attorney.
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
Dude, you went to another fraternity's formal as a joke and came home with one of their dates. AND you managed to get her number. Please explain to me how that's not a good night.
Btw. Being a stripper for a week without anyone knowing to pay off my school loan is no longer in my agenda.
I have weed and a speedo - I don't need anything else.
Unless you count my weekly workout where I drink wine, listen to obscure/cheesy records, and pretend I'm a ballerina...no. I don't exercise.
Is there a sexuality term for 'only wants hatefucks'?
Randomize