I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
Vibrator and massage oils got stopped at security. Super.
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
Lets start the night off early. Those Coronas arent going to throw themselves up.
just heard this guy tell a story about how he got boat head. i want his life
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
As shirtless as possible
I want a burrito.
Truly, you are the voice of a generation.
Penises. Everywhere.
You're. Welcome.
I don't think a gay three way is the best way to confirm your sexuality.
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
So yeah, turns out I enjoy vaguely public group sex. Who knew?
Help. I am eating nachos. But I'm with some guy. I need help. I don't know where I am. The nachos were so good. I'll bring them but help me.
We're lying on the pavement outside of the college. No one has asked if we're okay. I think they all understand.
Randomize
