It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
My professors need to stop cancelling class. Bad things happen when I have too much free time on my hands. Bad things.
Wednesdays are like the thursdays of tuesdays... Drink time
To say the least, now you know you're a proper lady, passing a field sobriety test in heels...
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
I can't believe we had "50th anniversary of man in space" sex.
Is this a genuine concern or are you just high?
JUST BECAUSE I'M HIGH DOESN'T MEAN ITS NOT GENUINE CONCERN.
The dumpster is full of naked people swimming. I'm going to join.
I am going to make your legs soar from cumming so much
Like they're going to fly away?
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
dont you DARE use my tequila influenced words against me
Its mothers day... Can my present be an orgasm...for once?
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
Randomize
