Just walked pass a bum on the way to a coinstar... awkward
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
I have fruit by the foot roll-ups. I wonder if a man could tie them together and make an editable bra....
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
It's gay pride, I'm in my EMT uniform getting more girls than your straight ass ever will..
Guys always stop talking to me right around the point that if they bought me food a couple times I would probably have sex with them.
If you need anything just hit me up
Pancakes
Noted.
You did a body shot out of her belly button with a bendy straw.
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
I woke up just like any other Wednesday. Naked on the floor, hungover and covered head to toe in lube
he stopped mid makeout and said "can I pray for you?"
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
no its a draw, weve been through this, when were keeping score on getting laid i get a plus 1 handicap each week because of your British accent! its only fair!
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