ya and he came three minutes into it because he didnt have sex all summer
oh that makes more sense i knew you arent that good
is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
Dude I gave him a bj because he was upset about the NFL draft, if that doesn't lock it down, i don't know what does
She told me she wanted to wax my ass. I'm terrified and oddly aroused.
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
we can be functional adults and still think pizza lunchables are the shit
That bitch makes my crazy look like a walk in the park with cotton candy
There are twenty thousand men on this campus, please have sex with someone who isn't my drug dealer
Welcome to stoned Saturday. Full of laser tag and beyonce and awesome
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
I mean I only got hit in the ass with ONE firework
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
Drunk him got in a fight with his wife he literally bought a plane ticket and flew to Hawaii. He just called me and asked why I let it happen. From Hawaii hahaha.
I just watched a magician wearing a fedora deep throat a balloon\n
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