every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.
The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
I'm pre-party power houring. It's so catchy I couldn't not do it
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
I mean jail does seem alright, all the free broth you can eat.
we were both freshly single and using each other as rebounds. most intense sex I've ever had. i felt like a grizzly bear emerging from hibernation in a whirlwind of sexual fury
You were so stoked after landing that flip that you dropped acid with three random guys without hesitation
Had the weirdest dream last night. If you're ever in Texas, do not come over with a 12 pack as a bribe and ask for a threeway between you, me, and my TA. I will take the beer though.
Im including "no monologues past 1am" in the list of apartment rules. Theatre majors dude.
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
Guy just rode past on a lowrider bike smoking a blunt, I want his life
Sorry you saw my balls. Pregame includes a lot of shaving.
Randomize
