Jason Williams (yeah the ex-nets center...) drunkenly told me that, while drinking, I should take an ambien and a cialis before i go home...that will "give me a 25 minute window to have sex and then goto sleep before the bitch starts bothering me"....
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
Not even drunk me wanted to have sex with him. I kept intentionally hitting my head on the table behind me during sex till he said i was too drunk for sex.
He wants to make love to me in a sea of paint and wash my tears away with the brushes surrounding us..I've known him for 2 days.
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
Yay for living on the edge. I'm trying this new thing where I stop mom-arming people and promote bad decisions. It's working quite well.
Congratulations on your downgrade, shes one hell of a 5
It's Christmas, you should know what a virgin is.
Our prom king just sent me a dick pic. I know it's 10 years later but I feel like I've finally made it.
My boss want to throw me an everclear birthday.
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
Apologies that our conversations always turn to butt sex or penis size. I thought we out grew that in our 20's.
Randomize
