Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
Well regardless of where or with who you will be blacking out and i will be pouring shots down ur throat like a baby bird
Found out why I didn't have to go drug test. My boss grew pot to pay for grad school.
Apparently you can legally be topless in Boulder, CO. Get on it.
You can't say "they have anal bleaching for that" and then just hang up
Luke did at least 8 shots of pure mayonnaise last night. I am not sure if that is better or worse than my 2 cement mixers?
Please don't smoke the bong in the bathroom while you shit. It is not a shitting bong.
Seriously, I am going to crawl in a hole, sew my vagina shut, and spit acid on any man that comes near me.
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
I have just found the cubicle of sustenance. And I will rejoice at all the families that have not found this magic. This vodka cubicle of magic.
The CEO is on this whole 'what do you do with your spare time?' kick. Umm... get drunk and have sex in bar parking lots.
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
I'm going to leave the 5 dollars that fell out of my bra while fucking in his room on the dresser as an apology
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