So I just introduced myself to this guy in front of me and now he's saving my pictures on facebook to his phone..
I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
Can we end it on a good note at least? Can we fuck and then never talk again?
I think that last shot was nyquil. Please come gte me. WINGS.
Turns out, his fucking is as lame and staggered as his NFL career.
You're really doing everyone a disservice by wearing pants all the time.
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
We're going to party like we don't have spanx on
They only searched every other person. But I sacrificed myself to get our vodka across the border
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
Where are you? Where am I? Why am I so red?
This is the weekend we were supposed to be in Vegas making bad decisions hoping no one got VD, not stuck at home for the 900th day in a row
Randomize
