I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
Hungover. Be in at noonish. Turn my monitor on and put a hot cup of coffee on my desk so the boss thinks I'm in
I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
i feel like im playing gay clue. i have to figure out where i am, who took me home, and what he put in me
They were so slutty we had to play "rarely have I ever."
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
In the bath trying to absorb water through my skin because I can't drink it.. That hungover
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
Halloween: the only night of the year wheee the more high I get, the more it compliments my makeup and outfit.
I hate him but I love him for what he does which is me
I answered the booty call in my Trophy Wife cutoff and my ex-boyfriends sweatpants with a bottle of jager.
and how was that received?
I kept screaming at his rabbit: "IT'S OKAY, YOU CAN HAVE SOME TRIX. FUCK THOSE SELFISH BITCHES."
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
Randomize
