I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
my elementary bus driver served me drinks last night. He hooked me up
I asked him where the store BJ's was and he unzipped his pants.
you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
he was so drunk he doesn't remember anything. I have to break up with him all over again
that's what penises do
they tell lies.
its barely noon and he already threw up and i have second degree burn
she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
Yeah i knew he wasn't okay when he told me he was "seeing his vision"
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
So last night was the first of "I got cut off before I walked in the bar".
I’m literally watching say yes to the dress, eating fancy cheeses with crackers, and I have orange dark chocolates. All of which is being washed down with merlot. And I’m 100% sure a porno is gonna go down next door tonight. They don’t have a car and arrived via taxi. Happy holidays from motel 6 Pendleton Oregon!
He's asking how tall I am he wants to make a body suit out of me
Randomize
