I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
i gave up on the vacation being fun the night i ate all the marshamallows out of the lucky charms while everyone else was having sex in the condo
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
He came so fast i dont think he got it all the way in. He apologized and gave me his favorite baseball card.
I'm just hoping that with all the times he's puked in my yard a mushroom field might grow.
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
It actually wasn't the first time that a guy I just met ate me out in the back seat of his car in a starbucks parking lot in the middle of the day.
Randomize
