Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
and while your girlfriend wears your relationship pants, i'll be wearing my ecstasy pants
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
I don't really want to write this paper. It's the last one of the semester - I need to savor the feeling of procrastination.
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
I don't know if it was his cologne or his Jesus hair, but he was much more fuckable than last time I saw him.
Now that I think about it, it may have been the 6 pitchers of beer.
I think my hopes are too high for this one. The only other bachelorette party I've been to I was felt up by a Chippendale's dancer and smoked a joint with the party bus driver.
So fucking hammered. Is this all spelled right? I'm holding it up to my eye. I am on a boulder. I feel like an owl
I couldn't tell if they ere dancing or fucking but they won the costume contest
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
Why were my jeans in the freezer of the mini fridge, and how long have they been in there? On another note, I found my teacher's ID badge.
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
don't bring your nerd jargon into this conversation about my naked body
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
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