During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
Just called my mom. She definitely saw all those fb statuses so thanks for that.
Haha did she know what fisting meant?
Yeah. Which is upsetting in itself
Thanks for sticking it out with old horseface last night... I owe you one buddy.
Good news: he out-ran the campus police. Bad news: they were chasing him toward the REAL police.
Wanna go watch Transformers and scream "AMERICA!"? I need a no thought activity
not saying it was a bad idea to throw an impromptu party but someone stole the microwave
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
My arms are hairy. And so Is my left leg. Just my left leg, the right is smooth.
Youll thank me when youre dead an dont have a cat eating your face
He's getting me an energy drink and said good morning beautiful. He must sense i'm cutting him off from the sex.
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
BABE I MISS YOU SO MUCH LIKE THE SADNESS OVERWHELMS BONER ABILITY
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
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