I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
we need 14,000 post its to execute this plan
I noticed when you had too much when you were yelling "HOE-HAVE-A-SEAT" to his cat.
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
Yeah I think we tried to use the shower curtain as a parachute because its tied to my backpack with some string. Dont know if anyone actually attempted it though.
You don't forget tits like those, even if you are vegas drunk.
"drunk introduce yourself to everyone colleen" came out last night... you kept grabbing guys faces that you just met and just kept saying their names over and over and over again so you wouldn't forget.. then would see them 5 minutes later to introduce yourself again..
I'm going for high school drunk, you've got 15 minutes to get here.
She's cute, but batshit. Like some kind of dominatrix disney princess.
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
I haven't gotten dressed in 4 days. God bless you, unemployment.
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