Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
It just feels so wrong throwing away the condoms into her Hello Kitty trashcan
She has a concussion we think. Dancing to barbie girl.
not only did i manage to get kicked out of the bar, i also got kicked out of denny's. i didnt even know that was possible.
I just wanna not walk straight. Is that too much to ask for?
the head trauma was worth the blowjob.
No, I don't think your idea of offering shots in exchange for bonus points to your history professor at B-Dubs was a good idea. Especially after you later told him that you would "tap that" in regards to his wife.
She has a boyfriend. But if he's a decent human being he understands blowjobs don't count as cheating with her. Keeping those miracles to himself is a crime against humanity.
So ahh..."Multicultural Night" turned into "Fuck the Neighbor Night"
Dude. Some drunk chick just put an Aussie hat on me and was screaming at me in German. Her friends had to drag her away. Point being, I now have a cool hat.
hoooly shit dude in taco costume challenged alpha douche to a fight. he's got catch phrases. come. now.
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
Will you be doing the frenzied booty dance of passionate ownage on my penis tonight
Randomize
