Seriously dude, you need to stop beating off to the ellen show, it's just weird.
Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
Yeah I'm gunna date him. I figure its regular sex and maybe feelings will come in time...it worked for arranged marriages...
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
Do you think she will like "you don't have to swallow this time" gift certificates for Xmas?
Just ignore his excessive use of exclamation points and be happy this one is of age.
You fucker.
He better not be in your backpack
I am making it a rule that only people I am comfortable around enough to not have to put a bra on are allowed for Sunday funday. I think that's a good rule for someone who started drinking alone at noon while everyone else here sipped their coffee.
MY BRAIN IS OSCILLATING. DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
I was apparently the best non-Irish person at the party. I wore my skating dress, Austrian flag and a giant shamrock. Everyone is calling me "30 Shots Girl".
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
I just drank beer out of an old Vicodin bottle hoping to catch some residue. That's how finals week is going
the only reason I'm still sleeping with him is to get the university's secure wifi password
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