i just looked up and i was like omg ballsack and then i didnt know what to do
i made potato chips in weed oil. what did you do today?
So i was told that i peed in the sink, had sex with a pillow and banged on a washer while singing idian chants
drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
I am in fact going to raffle myself off for a night. If you are interested in buying a ticket let me know. $10 a ticket.
I also like to call Halloween "Mystery Fuck Day"
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
Do I go to spinning class and try to redeem myself from going drunk, or do I wait a week and hope they forget I fell of the bike?
Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
He dated a girl who could do the damn splits on his dick like how do you compete with that
Now after not puking, next step is not to do the accent when immigration says "hello."
So I ended the trip with two cold sores, poison ivy on my leg and vagina, and no alcohol or weed. WORST. 4TH. OF. JULY. EVER.
Randomize
