I just made princess spaghettios..and I wonder why she broke up with me for not being mature enough.
she did the YMCA with her lgs... i think she forgot she wasnt wearing any underwear
I just made Jack Daniels snow cones.
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
5am is far to early to be on jagerbomb number 6 right now
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
The pee I just pissed was about 7% better than the one at your house. But both are pretty far up there.
I mean really am I setting up a snapchat when I'm 40 so I can send nudes to my 23 yr old bf? yes, yes I am. Where is my life heading.
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
Randomize
