I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
Yeah I tried to leave with 3 drinks and the bouncer wouldn't let me, I slammed all 3 right in front of him and football spiked them in the trash can
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
Well i'm not entirely sure considering he gave my vagina an early valentine's day card that said "you're purrfect."
He lectured me about the dangers of drugs while wearing a sombrero and doing interpretive dance.
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
be proud. or at least amused. an 18 yr old and a 25 yr old at least makes my average hookup age this week the same as my age.
Well we went from the roof to the stairwell to an air mattres. One day were going to fuck in a bed
We need to make tonight low-budget
Is this your way of suggesting flasks?
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
I woke up and there was a tiny sombrero on my penis. Care to explain?
Randomize
