i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.
Just cropdusted the office
sometimes i really wish you were a nugget.
Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
Currently hiding in the shower from the RA and my elbow turns it on. Showers and Ciroc don't mix..
If my mom's not going to offer me drugs then it's really pointless for me to be here.
HE ASKED IF I HAD SIBLINGS WHEN I ASKED HIM TO LICK MY ASSHOLE
I just want to braid flowers into his hair and steal all of his pills.
I do remember that in my dream I wasn't impressed with his dick.
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
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