I am midnight drunk by noon
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
but i'm paying and its not a date cause he's got a gf and i'm hooking up with his roommate tomorrow night
I wasn't concerned until I realized he was using the vase my birthday flowers came in as a " big glass" for his 151 and coke.
Of course I will... FYI I just gave my balls a crew cut.
It's kind of awesome I can smoke with my parents and tell them about thetime we used listerine in that bong
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
Blizzard, Hour 9: I'm 7 beers deep and have finished Ninja Turtles. I am listening to the NYPD and Nassau Fire Dept pipes and drums and writing new drum scores in my head, which I may or may not remember tomorrow
Hey beautiful no judgement but why is there a bucket of KFC chicken in the bathtub??
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
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