i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
Dude. He put me on a rewards point system for his dick. I have to do him favors now to build up to winning sex. This is shit.
If I EVER think it's a good idea to blow someone who just showed me their synchronized swimming performance on youtube again please correct me immediately.
One huge ass giant mistake followed by celebatory shots and coors lights thats my day in a nut shell
I just remember dedicating a shot to me giving you head so it was obviously a good night
Nothing with ever convince me that she wasnt purposely left behind by our mother to ruin my life and fuck our family
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
I've already come to terms that I'm gonna have to bone a few gross librarians, but hey, it's college
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
Here's the thing. Kinda drunk. Eating leftover soup. In bed. Watching Disney channel.
Yeah. We had phone sex then cried together, it was beautiful and heartbreaking
I am far too sober to understand you right now. sorry.
Randomize
